I feel like I’ve been operating on autopilot lately.

I saw my rapist last weekend and again two days ago and I get royally pissed off every time then really down & depressed. I feel unsafe, like this island isn’t big enough for the two of us. I’m ready to leave so I don’t have to deal with seeing him anymore. Since Saturday time has seemed…off. Events that happened just a few days ago seem to have taken place a long time ago. Very weird.

My sleeping pattern is all over the place. I can barely sleep more than 5 hours at a time. I’ve been dreaming vividly & I wake up remembering the dreams if only for a brief moment.

I’ve been acting out of character. I have random outbursts of anger that seem to come from out of the blue. I feel so bad afterwards. Practicing holding my reactions in.

I’ve been having a hard time feeling emotions. My heart feels closed off though I want it to remain open.

I’ve been crying on & off the last few days over random things ranging from my miscarriage to the rape to relationships (or lack thereof).

I wish I had support right now. I want to reach out to him but I told him I’d give him his space after he told me he couldn’t be in a relationship w/ me cause it wouldn’t be fair to me w/ him being on the road (in so many words) after I told him I wanted to be in a relationship before having sex again. Made me feel worthless, like I was good enough to have sex with but not good enough to commit to. Made me wonder if he looks at me differently cause of the rape. I see that I’ve become detached from him. Probably a good thing.

I look at myself in the mirror & I can barely recognize the face I see. I hear myself & don’t recognize my voice. Everything feels like a daze.

I’m focused on moving forward. But truth is I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Like I’ve gotta figure out who I’m supposed to be. That’s unsettling. It’s like I’m a newborn but instead of relying on someone to care for & b=nurture me, I have to rely on myself. I cry about that too cause at times I feel so alone.

I tell myself things will get better once I leave. I know for sure I’ll need to seek therapy. I’ve been through a rough couple of month & though I can see where I’ve made some progress, I’m a long ways away from being back to the woman I used to be. And it makes me sad to realize that in reality, I’ll never be the woman I used to be. I’ve accepted that. But now I’ve gotta figure out the woman I am supposed to be. That is a daunting but necessary process.

I’m by myself on this right now. Hopefully the future brings people who I can come to depend on & trust to help me on this journey.

 

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