I saw my rapist last night.
And it feels like all the progress I made went out the window.
I froze. I became scared. I walked away even though what I really wanted to do was scream at him & shame him in front of everybody.
But I was afraid of looking like a fool.
I was afraid of him hurting me.
I was afraid he’d follow me back to my friend’s house.
Once again I didn’t feel safe.
All of this just from one look of his face.
I became numb. I thought I’d finally worked past that. He just brought it back again.
I could feel myself dissociating & there was nothing I could do about it.
It was like he was in control of me once again & all I could do was allow it.
It’s been almost 2 months. And the progress I made got flushed down the toilet in a single moment.
That makes me feel defeated.
All I want more than anything is to move on.
I want to talk to someone who understands & the one person in my life who I feel like I can talk to I’ve given space.
I feel like I’m burdening those around me with this.
I can feel myself losing trust in those around me.
I want to shut everybody out and just stay to myself.
I keep telling myself I’m the only one I can depend on yet I’m struggling to maintain control.
I’ve become so fearful which I was proud was a symptom I had bypassed initially.
My rage threatens to spiral out of control at the most minor inconvenience.
I’m counting down the days until I can get away from this place thinking maybe then I will feel safe once there are thousands of miles between us.
It just shocks me that the police really are letting you walk around free.
I was already having issues sleeping through the night & now I fear it will be even worse.
I want to wish harm on you. I want karma to get you for what youve done to me so you can no longer harm anyone else.
In a way I hate you for turning my life into this inner turmoil as if I already weren’t dealing with enough.
You’ll get what’s coming to you.