Finding my way back from feeling spiritually and emotionally lost. Lost my belief in romantic love but I’ll find it again in platonic love as well as love of self. Working to heal my inner child’s wounds and take back control. Working through symptoms of PTSD. Feeling like I’ve lost my identity once again but getting back to me. Believing that I’m worthy of love and that I have way more to offer than just sex. Building up my self worth and taking note of my value as a woman. Rethinking sex as only a way to show love. Letting go of fears of abandonment and rejection because truth is you can’t control another person’s actions when it comes down to it. Feeling unsure if I’ve been deluding myself into thinking there’s mutual attraction with the men I’ve been dealing with has me ready to call off relationships all together. Can I truly trust what my heart is feeling? I can’t help but feel like maybe I’ll never really know love, real love as much as I crave it. Maybe it’s time to stop chasing love and focus on loving me. How will I know if love comes knocking that it really is love? Makes me want to stay single to avoid the risk of heartbreak cause the risk of mistaking my feelings for false love is just too great. Maybe it’s best to just share love superficially with those I come in contact with. I thought the love I felt was deep, felt by the both of us but I guess I was mistaken. So what’s the point of falling in love? Having someone to share intimacy with, having a support system, shoulders to cry on, a man to depend on? I can offer those things to myself instead of becoming vulnerable with someone who in the end won’t choose me. Or maybe it’s me who’s been choosing the wrong men in the first place. All the more reason to stay single and work through my issues. I want to believe in love, it has to be real, but if it’s real when will it be real for me? I put myself out there again with him, I started loving again, I really thought it was real, how could the way I felt not be real? I thought he was the one for me. I feel like he thinks I’m good enough for sex but not good enough to be with. That’s not fair but such is life. Such is my life. Guess I have to be okay with being alone. Maybe it’s for the best that way.

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