4 years ago I met a man I thought was my twin flame, my soulmate. We shared many of the twin flame signs yet I was always confused and doubtful about our connection. Now I know my soulmate was in my life to prepare me for my twin flame.

From the day we met, I tried to force things. I approached him (which before then was something I never did). He told me he didn’t want to get married, I thought I could change his mind. He told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, I told him I would wait for him.

He introduced me to Islam and something about the religion appealed to me. I wanted to learn more, partly due to my interest, partly due to the fact that I could talk to him about it.

I changed myself to try to please him. I went from being secure to insecure. From knowing my worth to almost throwing it away. From being confident in my interactions with men to second guessing everything.

Fast forward to the present. My worth is back intact. My insecurities are less than before. Yet I continue to second guess myself. Especially in relation to my twin flame. He reminds me of my false twin flame by doing everything that he never did. You’re probably thinking “that doesn’t make much sense”. Well, nothing makes much sense when you’re the runner twin.

I thought my false twin flame was the one for me. I loved him, was in love with him though it was one-sided. I would have done anything for him, including throw my life away. The last time we spoke was when I broke the news that I had had a miscarriage for him, the most painful experience I have ever had to date. I was hoping he would comfort me, share the pain, help me heal. Instead he left and took a chunk of me with him.

My real twin flame is the sweetest man I’ve ever met. He worries about me. I can feel an even stronger connection with him yet that scares me. Because I’ve been through a similar situation and it ended badly. I thought the man I loved would marry me and we’d live happily ever after yet that was not the case.

So now? I cry when I think of being in love with my real twin flame. I cry because I fear getting hurt, I fear becoming intimate with him, I fear that once again I love a man who doesn’t love me. It’s a constant struggle because my heart knows he’s different, yet my head never fails to find a question or a reason why it may end badly, same as before or worse.

I’m scared to trust someone again. I’m scared of being vulnerable. I’m worried that I’m only fooling myself into thinking I’ve once again found true love. But I deserve to be loved and to love in return. And due to the past, I can appreciate the things he brings to the table.

I want to release these fears and stay open to our connection. It will take time, and I pray he remains patient with me. Because every fiber of my being wants to run very far away, to protect myself from potential pain, to build a wall high enough around my heart where no man can scale again. But if I do that to keep out the pain, I’m also not allowing love the chance to come in. So I’m fighting it. For now, I’ll stay.